How to Fix Your Communication Style
Effective communication is essential in order to meet your need, improve your relationships and enhance your wellbeing and overall happiness. In this article we will outline what are the different communication style and how to improve our own by becoming more assertive.
the Different Communication Styles
There are four main communication styles, and each of us will mainly use one of this, alongside a possible combination of others.
Aggressive
This style is quite intuitive. It involves shouting, unpleasant words, and sometimes even physical as well as psychological violence. Overall People with an aggressive communication style violate’s other people’s rights and prioritise their own needs.
Passive
Passive communication often involves no communication at all. This style is characterised by difficulty in expressing one's ideas and getting along with what other people say. A passive communicator prioritise the needs of others instead of their own and can show a tendency to please others even when this is inconvenient for them.
Passive-Aggressive
Being Passive-Aggressive involves masking aggressiveness by acting in a passive way. This communication style displays the intimidating traits of an aggressive communicator paired with an inability to express feelings and thought directly, typical of a passive style. Examples of behaving in a passive-aggressive manner include slamming a door, using petty sarcasm to express disappointment or giving “the silent treatment”.
Assertive
This is the style we should all aim to. Assertive people respect their own needs and those of others, expressing themselves clearly and directly while maintaining respect for their interlocutors.
Benefits of Assertive Communication
Communicating assertively can positively influence many areas of our life. We are now going to focus on relationships, work and wellbeing.
Relationships
Assertive communication fosters mutual understanding, which can lead to happier and more satisfying relationships. People respond more positively to assertive communicators, as they would tend to feel understood and respected. Being more assertive can also make us more able to address and resolve conflicts, whilst preventing the escalation of our disagreements.
Work
Being assertive at work can improve teamwork by encouraging dialogue and fostering more informed and collaborative decision making processes. It can also encourage honesty, which leaf to effective problem solving. All of this can promote leadership skills and make you more able to advance within your career. Finally, communicating assertively can help you establish clear boundaries, protecting your time and resources, all of which can prevent burnout and resentment.
Well-being
Communicating your needs and opinions clearly and directly can increase self-esteem and reduce stress. Being assertive helps you meet your needs and achieve your goals, leading to greater life satisfaction and better mental and emotional well-being. Assertiveness can also promote empowerment by giving you a sense of control over your life, as you will be actively participating in all aspects of your life. This can improve physical and mental health, and increase your self-esteem.
How to be more assertive
Know your rights
The first step we need to take to become more assertive is to become more aware of the limiting beliefs that we hold towards ourselves and others. We often have negative beliefs about ourselves, developed from past experiences. For example, if we were taught as children not to express sadness through crying, we might believe “crying is bad” or “if I cry, people will call me out or make fun of me”. As adults we might still hold negative beliefs, even though our life circumstances change. As a result, even as adults me might, for example, not express sadness and show our negative emotions in the form of aggression, which we feel is more socially acceptable and identify as being “safer”.
Here are some examples of negative beliefs:
“I should not say how I feel, as if people truly care about me, they should already know”
“It is uncaring, selfish and rude to express what you want”
"“If I assert myself, I will upset the other person and ruin the relationship”
Once we have indentified our limiting beliefs, we need to work towards changing them into more helpful ones. Remember what your rights are: you have the right to say no, without giving any explanation or making any excuse; you have the right to change your mind and to disagree with someone’s opinion; you have the right not to feel responsible for other adult’s problems; you have the right to express feelings and thoughts appropriately. But also remember that in order to come across as assertive and not aggressive, you need to take responsibility for your actions and how these can impact others.
How to improve communication skills
The key to assertiveness most and foremost, good communication. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy has an acronym used to help people communicate more assertively: DEAR MAN.
Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to and stick to the facts.
Express your feelings and opinions. Don’t just assume that others know how you feel.
Assert yourself by clearly asking for what you want or by saying no. Remember: other people can’t read your mind and won’t know what you want unless you tell them.
Reinforce/reward the other person ahead of time, by explaining the positive effects of getting what you desire or need. You can also clarify, if necessary, the negative consequences of not getting such thing.
Mindful is a reminder to stay focused on your goals. Maintain your position and don’t be distracted. Keep asking for what you desire and express your point over and over. Remember to ignore and not respond to attacks.
Appear confident and competent, by using the appropriate tone of voice and physical manner. Make good eye contact and avoid stammering, whispering, retreating or looking at the floor.
Negotiate because to get, you need to give. Be willing to offer and ask for other solutions to your request; focus on what can work.
Learning to say no
Another component of being more assertive is learning to say no. It can happen that we say “yes”, even when we want to say “no”, and sometimes this is appropriate (I know you want to say no to that work meeting - but this is not what we are talking about here!) However there can be occasions when agreeing to something we don’t want can be inconvenient or even damaging to us. When we say “yes” instead of “no” we could start feeling resentful, frustrated with ourselves, low self-esteem and increased stress. On the other hand, saying no in an aggressive way can lead to conflict. So, we need to learn to say no in the right way. To do this, another acronym comes to the rescue: BAND.
Boundaries: Be clear about what you want, and stick to it.
Assertive: Be respectful towards yourself and others.
Needs: Prioritise your needs, because if you don’t, no one else will.
Direct: Say no directly - don’t give lame excuses or too many explanations. Sometimes the lesser you say, the better.
Conclusion
Assertiveness can improve many aspects of our life. We can master assertiveness by challenging our beliefs, knowing our rights, using the right communication skills, and learning to say no. Effective communication is the first step towards a more satisfying and happier life.