The Ultimate Attachment Styles Guide
Your attachment style could make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful relationship. But how do we develop the different attachment styles? How do we discover our own? And can we change our attachment style over time? We will try to provide answers to these questions and more in this article.
Early research on attachment styles
In the 1970s, the psychologist Mary Ainsworth designed an experiment, that involved children between 12 and 18 months old as well as their primary caregivers. They put one child at a time, along with their caregiver, in a room, allowing the children to explore the environment freely. At some point, a stranger entered the room and initiated a chat with the caregiver, after which the latter left the room, leaving their child alone with the stranger. This separation lasted a few minutes. The caregiver then returned in the room to reunite with their children and had a brief period to reconnect before leaving the room and coming back again.
Depending on the children's reactions to the experiment, Ainsworth and her colleagues divided them into 4 groups:
The secure children who showed some distress when the caregiver left and sought comfort from them after their return. It was also noticed that this group of children would explore their environment freely throughout the experiment.
The anxious children who became very distressed when the caregiver left and were not easily comforted at their return. Their behaviour was contradictory, displaying anger and frustration for their caregiver's absence which couldn't be easily mitigated even after their return. They generally showed clingy tendencies and a struggle to go back exploring the environment when the caregiver was absent.
The avoidant children who showed little to no distress when the caregiver left and did not seek contact with them when they returned. This group was also observed being more prone to exploring the environment than to being comforted by their caregiver upon the caregiver’s return.
The latter group was called “disorganized/ambivalent” group. These children displayed contradictory or disoriented behaviours when reunited with their caregivers. Some would freeze, some others would rock back and forth. Overall, they were observed not to have any strategies to cope with their caregiver's absence and return.
The characteristics of each attachment style in adulthood
The attachment style we manifest as children tends to stick with us throughout adulthood, partly determining our interpersonal relationships along the way. I will now list some specific traits for each attachment style in order that could help you identify your own attachment style:
People with a secure attachment style hold a positive image of themselves and others. They are characterised by an inner trust in relying on the people around them and by an overall confidence in their relationships.
People with an anxious attachment styles typically hold a negative image of themselves and a positive view of others. Their tendency to feel insecure in their relationship, constantly worrying about abandonment and rejection, also means they need frequent reassurance and may become overly dependant on others.
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style typically hold a positive image of themselves, but a negative view of others. They tend to avoid emotional closeness and instead prioritise independence. Furthermore, their trust-issues often lead themselves to put barriers before others, especially when they feel vulnerable or too close to them.
Individuals with a disorganized/ambivalent attachment style present a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviours. They hold a negative view of both themselves and others, and desire closeness while being wary of intimacy, which results in swings between seeking and avoiding emotional connection.
How are the different attachment styles developed?
In light of this experiment we may wonder why do we develop different attachment styles in the first place. Ainworth and Bowlby (that also contributed to the development of the attachment styles theory) hypothesised that this depends on early interactions with the caregiver at times of needs.
They believed that children develop a secure attachment style if their caregivers consistently respond in a loving and attending way to their needs in distressing situations.
If, on the other hand, the caregiver tends to avoid their child's needs, the child might develop an avoidant attchment style. Absent figures who expect children to soothe themselves instead of comforting, might shape individuals with an avoidant attachment style who value their independence over anything and believe that nobody will satisfy their needs better than themselves.
If the caregiver responds inconsistently, for example by showing affection come of the time while being absent at other times, their child might develop an anxious attachment style, characterised by fear of abandonment, uncertainty about the future and about what to expect from their significant others.
With regard to the disorganised/ambivalent attachment style, this is believed to be developed following experiences of abuse, neglect and trauma. These painfully negative early experiences made so that children struggle to regulate their emotions, resulting in difficulties when it comes to form relationships.
Couples that work and couples that don't work
Understanding yours as well as your partners' attachment style is crucial in order to hold a better grasp of your relationship.
As a rule of thumb, relationships with at least one secure partner tends to work well as long as other essential aspects are met. The reason is that secure individuals can manage their emotions well and thus be empathetic towards the needs of both anxious and avoidant partners, offering support and reassurance when needed. Moreover, they communicate well, fostering trust and security. These qualities allow them to resolve conflicts effectively and de-escalate tension in both anxious and avoidant individuals.
A relationship with either two anxious or two avoidant individuals could in theory work well, although not without struggles. Two anxious individuals may end up feeding into each other's insecurities and fear of abandonment, creating a cycle of unescapable co-dependence. On the other hand, two avoidant individuals may lack the sufficient amount of intimacy and connection. Nevertheless, these two types of relationships are also very rare because two anxious individuals would hardly be attracted by each other, and the same goes for two avoidant ones. In fact, anxious and avoidant individuals tend to attract one another. Their attachment styles are complementary, validating their beliefs about relationships and others. The reason for this is that our brain doesn't like to be wrong. The behaviour of anxious individuals will confirm to their avoidant counterpart that people are clingy and need more attention than they can dispense. Anxious individuals, on the other hand, will be attracted to avoidant behaviours, which fuel the cycle which recites that they themselves are not worthy of love and that others won't stay with them for long. The anxious-avoidant dynamic creates a push-pull situation where the anxious part seeks closeness while the avoidant part desires independence. Needless to say, this dynamic does not work and often results in toxic relationships.
Everything mentioned for anxious and avoidant individuals will also be true for those with a disorganised/ambivalent attachment style, as they present with both anxious and avoidant behaviours.
Changing attachment styles
Having clarified the different attachment styles, how they develop, and what challenges we might encounter in relationships because of them, a lot of us will wonder whether we can change our attachment style. While attachment styles are generally believed to be fixed and stable, they can be influenced by later experiences. The negative side is that while an insecure individual may become more secure, a very secure individual could, on the other hand, become more insecure, following, for instance, disastrous romantic relationships.
But let's turn our attention towards the "becoming more secure" part we should all aim for. There are several possible ways to condition ourselves into becoming more secure:
Therapy is the first and most obvious path, and it is necessary to become more self-aware, and to equip us with the skills that would enable us to challenge our own assumptions about relationships, and thus improve.
Being in a relationship with a secure individual is a nice start to become more secure ourselves. As we discussed before, riding along someone with secure traits can help insecure individuals becoming more secure themselves. This is possible because secure individuals are generally speaking more sensitive to their partners' needs and possess communication skills that allow them to resolve conflicts and support their partners when needed.
According to Dr Amir Levine, author of the book “Attached” and an expert in the field attachment styles, effective communication is one of the best ways to become more secure. After knowing yourself and your needs it is important to communicate them appropriately to your partner or even potential partners. If you feel anxious you could turn to effective communication when you are prey of your own emotions. For instance when engaging in protest behaviour such as avoiding calls, threatening to leave, and so forth, you could pause, and try to find out what your real needs are and communicate them clearly and only when you calm down. On the other hand, if you are an avoidant individual, try effective communication when you feel the need to bolt. Explain to your partner than you need some space and that you'd like to find a way of doing so that is comfortable to them. You can even suggest a few alternatives to ensure the other person's needs are taken care of.
In conclusion, attachment styles are developed in childhood and strongly influence our relationships throughout life. By finding out our attachment style and understanding it, we can make positive steps towards finding the right partner or improve your existing relationships.