The Psychology of “It Ends With Us”
The movie “It Ends With Us”, adapted from Colleen Hoover’s best selling novel, has captured public attention for various reasons - whether it’s the quality of the film itself or the controversies surrounding it. As a pre-qualified psychologist, I’d like to approach the movie from a different perspective - by delving into the psychological theory behind it. Specifically, I want to focus on the concept of family scripts, a theory that not only shapes the narrative of “It Ends with Us” but also underlies many real-life abusive relationships.
introduction to family scripts
So, what exactly is a family script? In simple terms, a family script is a psychological theory suggesting that individuals often unconsciously repeat patterns they have experienced in their families of origin.
These scripts dictate how we interact in our relationships and navigate life situations. We all have family scripts to some degree, and whilst some are positive, or neutral (like deciding the “right” Tim to have dinner, or how to spend summer vacations), others can be less helpful, or even damaging.
For instance, a child growing up in a family where one parent is abusive towards the other may internalise two different yet equally harmful scripts. They might learn to tolerate violencee from the abusive parents, or they may believe, through observing the victimised parent, that love involves suffering and self-sacrifice. Consequently, when they enter adult relationship, they may tolerate or even expect abuse, thinking it’s a natural part of being loved or maintaining a relationship.
It’s essential to highlight that family scripts affect not only victims but also perpetrators of abuse. A person who grew up with an abusive parent may learn to use violence as an expression of anger or control because that’s what they observed. if a parent expressed their emotions through aggression, the child could internalise the belief that it’s acceptable to act violently when frustrated or upset.
lily bloom
Let’s talk about the protagonist of “It Ends with Us”, Lily. Lily’s father was abusive towards her mother and her mother not only accepted her husband’s violence but also justified it. In the movie, we hear her telling Lily how much her father loved her, despite his behaviour.
At the start of the movie, Lily’s father has died, and we witness Lily struggling to name five things she loved about her father, and feeling guilty about it. This sense of guilt is common for people who come from toxic family environments. Society often tells us that “blood is thicker than water” and that we should always love our parents, no matter what. But sometimes, this expectation created a heavy burden, especially when it involved parents who inflicted trauma and pain.
Moreover in the movie with see Lily’s mother frequent attempts at instigating guilt in her daughter. For instance, she criticises her for not being her when her father passed away and for not being collaborative during the funeral services. These could be coping mechanisms that Lily’s mother projects onto Lily, stemming from her own guilt about staying in an abusive relationship and maybe even feeling like she deserved the abuses.
Lily’s self-esteem is significantly impacted by this environment. It is not uncommon for people who experienced childhood abuse to have low self-esteem. In addition, the constant guilt and shame projected to Lily by her mother would naturally cause Lily’s self esteem to be severely impacted.
It is in this very difficult environment that Lily meets Ryle.
ryle kincaid
In the movie, Lily starts a relationship with Ryle Kincaid. Right away, we see that Ryle came with some red flags. Lily decides to ignore these red flags, possibly as an unconscious response to her family script. For example, in the first scene, we see Ryle violently kicking a chair. Even though “it is just a chair”, such a violent outbursts can be intimidating, or even scary for some people. Yet, this incident is quickly brushed off as “an angry moment”.
Ryle tells Lily that he does not do serious relationships and offers her a casual relationship. However, Lily declines, because she wants something more serious. The fact that Ryle never had a serious relationship before is significant. Relationships teaches us a lot about how to be in a relationship and also about ourselves, our behaviours, our attachment styles and our unhelpful patterns. Since Ryle has never been in a relationship, he hasn’t had the chance to learn from his mistakes. He may even possess an avoidant attachment style, but he hasn’t explored this side of himself in a committed setting.
When Lily turns him down, Ryle becomes a little bit obsessive and is unable to accept her rejection. Although his insistence is not overly bothersome in the movie, Ryle’s insistence is noticeable. Lily is initially reluctant to give him a chance, although it is clear that she is also interested in him.
When Lily and Ryle eventually start a relationship, Ryle begins “love bombing” her, showering her with attention and creating a fairy-tale romance. However, he also says some things that can be considered concerning. For example, Ryle tells Lily “I wasn’t happy, but with you, I am”. This comment is problematic because happiness should come from within. A partner should be an addition to your life, not the sole source of your joy. In addition, by saying this, Ryle places responsibility on Lily for his happiness, which can make her obligated to stay in the relationship, fearing he’ll be miserable without her. Another example, is when he says “If you hurt your toe, I feel guilty because the wall was there.” While it may see sweet it’s an overly extreme and unrealistic comment. It hints at a level of possessiveness that does not match healthy protectiveness.
Later in the movie, we learn that Ryle accidentally killed his brother in childhood, which left him traumatised. While the movie does not delve into the impact of this trauma on hs self-esteem., it hints at why he may struggle emotionally. Although this does not Justify his actions it helps us understand his character and where his insecurity might come from.
the cycle of abuse
With time, Ryle becomes abusive towards Lily. In particular, the movie shows three key incidents. First, he hits her after getting annoyed over food burning in the oven. In the second incident, he throws her down the stairs, and in the third incident, the violence escalate significantly into an incident of sexual violence. This final incidents makes Lily realise how dangerous the situation has become, prompting her to seek safety.
Although Lily resented her father for his violent behaviour, to the point that she could not come up with 5 things she lover about him, she ends up with a partner who mirrors her father’s behaviour. She minimises Ryle’s actions, and justifies his behaviour. She may also feel guilt, believing she provoked him by harboring feelings for another man. This guilt makes her vulnerable to the idea that she deserves such treatment, an idea already instilled by her childhood trauma.
Family scripts can explain why so many people from abusive families find themselves in similar situations. Statistics show that a significant number of women in abusive relationships come from a domestic violence background. Needless to say, that the victim’s have no responsibility in this. These mechanisms are often unconscious and connected to what psychology calls intergenerational trauma (the idea that trauma is passed down between generations). As humans, we tend to gravitate towards what is familiar to us, even if it’s harmful. We crave predictability, and familiar situations, even negative ones, give us that sense of certainty. Our brain perceives familiarity as safe, and sometimes leads us towards dangerous situations because of unconscious biases. This is one reason why many victims find it difficult to leave their abusive partners - it feels familiar, and, paradoxically safer than the unknown.
This is why it is very important to be aware of our unconscious biases, limitations and possible patterns our brains might implement - in this way we can discern what is helpful from what is unhelpful for us. And this is what happens to Lily, at the end of the movie: she realises that she is stuck in family scripts and decides to break the cycle of abuse. After giving birth to her and Ryle’s baby, she decides to ask for a divorce, thus ending the generational trauma and allowing her daughter to grow up in a healthy environment. She chooses not to accept abusive behaviours from her partner, and in this way she will protect her daughter from being in an abusive relationship in the future.
how to get away from an abusive relationship]
Leaving an abusive partner is extremely difficult and the most important thing is safety. Also, it is crucial to remember that it is an unusual, abnormal situation - one you’re not supposed to be in - and it wouldn't be okay to expect normal and expected behaviours in an abnormal situations.
But if we were to list some ways in which people can find the strength to leave an abusive partner, these would be it:
Be aware that you are replicating a family script. Lily in the movie realises that she is replicating her family’s unhealthy patterns in her own relationship, and she decides to put an end to it and leave her abuser. Once you identify your script, you will be more able to change it.
Reach out. Having a support network is extremely important to end an abusive relationship. In the move, unexpectedly, Lily receives support from Ryle’s sister. Leaving abusive relationships is very hard, and being alone makes it even harder. Receiving emotional support, and (even more importantly) practical support - food, shelter, financial support - from someone, could be the biggest blessing. Unfortunately, abusive partners will often try to isolate you from your family and friends. If you have no one in your life who can support you, there are many domestic violence shelters that can help, and that often can also prove you with legal aid. Do a quick search around your re, and just remember that there are people willing to help.
Go to therapy. Whether you do this during or after an abusive relationship, therapy can really help you understand what your unconscious biases are, how you can break free from family scripts, and safely rewrite them.
If you are in abusive relationship, it is possible that you might experience setbacks and end up in old patterns of behaviour. Just remember that this is extremely normal, you should be judged or feel ashamed. Please be kind to yourself.